STOP READING THE BOOKS AND START READING YOURSELF!

I created this mantra because just recently I have had a number of clients who I have identified the source of the problems have been from reading way too many self-help books about what to do about their mental health problems. As a result they are overwhelmed with so many things they think they 'should' be doing because the books say so that they actually increase their anxiety levels. It also encourages the use of the cognitive left brain through the act of reading and they forget that to mentally get well they need to be using both sides of their brain, meaning they also need to 'feel' themselves. It also encourages a constant seeking and searching through external sources, always keeping themselves at a distance from themselves.

You may have done this yourself where you read something in a book and feel that this is you. It's true, most mental health problems are actually quite common and so a lot will resonate with you. But what do you when you get this experience? Read more of the book hoping to find the answers? But nothing else really resonates. Because it is actually just a momentary sense of "somebody gets me". Instead of you saying "I get me and I know what I need for me, I don't need a book to tell me what is right for me".

Not one person is the same so we cannot prescribe a formula from a book or theory. We can take ideas from a book but how are you going to know what is the right thing for you to do if you don't more importantly read yourself. I have seen clients source of anxiety come from having this whole list of solutions from books that they are trying but nothing really works and so thoughts come up of "Am I doing it properly?", "Maybe I gave up to early", "I don't know which one is the right thing to do".

We all have the resources within us to find our solutions but so many times we look outside of ourselves for the answers. So worried about what you 'think' you 'should' be doing instead of 'feeling' what you 'need and want' to do. In turn this feeds into a sense that you are doing it wrong and therefore there is something wrong with me.

With the prevalence of solution focused and prescribed CBT formulas for mental health treatment this also inhibits an individuals capacity to find their own way of finding their own solutions by being told if you just do your homework and you just change your thoughts you will be all better. Unfortunately this gives other forms of counselling, psychotherapy and Counselling Psychology a bad reputation that all we do is give advice. This sets the client up with expectations that we are going to provide the magic formula for them. More and more I here parents ask me to see their child to give them some 'coping strategies'. But it really does not work like that.

Fundamentally based from Person-Centred practice most therapists are there to facilitate a space where the client can start learning to read themselves and find their own solutions. Whatever work the therapist may do is based on what the client brings, because they (should) believe the client is the expert, not them. They may have a few tricks up their sleeve based on the their theoretical orientation that may facilitate a greater awareness but they are only used with what the client presents.

If you were to still want to read a book I would recommend one on Mindfulness. Because this teaches you how to start reading yourself in order to find your own solutions.

Listen to the small things to prevent them becoming big things

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Particularly children with their parents, if a persons small everyday issues are ignored, dismissed talked over, then this can leave a person feeling alone, abandoned, rejected or feel they are a burden or inconvenience, or that what they are trying to share is somehow not acceptable. Imagine what bigger problems this can lead too in the long term!

They can become withdrawn, isolated, distrusting of people, low self-esteem and confidence. They come to learn they should not share or express themselves and so turn their feelings inwards or explode outwards leading to mental illness. They don't learn to be resilient with their feelings because they are busy trying to 'get rid of them' because they aren't supposed to have them and so develop anxiety and feel overwhelmed.

It may take conscious effort but when somebody seems to be wanting to share something with you, just pause for a moment, long enough to stop and listen to it without intervening and without comparing to yourself. Offer something back that indicates you have heard them such as making eye contact, stopping what you are doing and looking up, saying something like "I can hear this is really worrying you" or even "I can understand that".

Two Way conversation can be hard when both parties are invested and it can get carried away when both want to be heard. The energy can escalate when neither is listening properly and each person gets equally frustrated. So even though you want to be heard just take a pause of your own thoughts before speaking and pay attention to the other person.

Don't be scared to challenge somebody who doesn't appear to be listening. Ask them if they are listening if you are not sure. If they insist they are but you are still not convinced tell them what you are experiencing that makes you feel you are not being listened too ie; "How are you listening if you are now talking about the task you are now doing?" .

#listenfirst #preventmentalillness #thesmallthingsmatter #thepoweroflistening

Break the ice by doing something together

A previous post talked about ensuring you appear available, which means not disappearing into your phone while you wait. However, sometimes just sitting and talking can feel intimidating for some people. If you know the person finds this difficult then arrange to do an activity together, such as walking the dogs, playing pool, going to watch a game, doing crafts etc. Doing something together creates an unspoken connection of energy between you beyond words, which as in my previous post, only forms 20% of the communication. It enables you to connect on less intense subjects first building a relationship in which you can eventually deepen the conversation.

Coming together this way can enable somebody to feel less lonely in itself. But it also enables a more relaxed approach to talking.

#ListenFirst #dostufftogether #playandtalktogether #